Daily Jokes!! - GlitzyGal.net

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Daily Jokes!!

Daily Jokes!!..killer biscuits

This one is funny ..what an idiot!!

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER...
(the actual Associated Press headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, with her eyes closed, and with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brain in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck to the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the spongy dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Aww Kitty!

No More Dorito's!!

Computer Diagnosis!!

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

A WHOLE LOT A FAT ASS!!!

wow..holy *bleep*..haha i wanna ass like that!! ugh ..just kidding

Have you Been Fooling Around on Me?

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time".

Dick Mountain

damn!!

Sal on the damn computer

see babe, what can happen if you stay online allday!!! haha

BE VERY CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK GOD FOR!

A middle aged Chicana had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, the comadre was delirious, she had a Near
death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Hay Dios Santo, is my time up?"

Dios said, "No mijita, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days
to live."

Upon recovery, the Chicana decided to stay in the hospital and have The
works done: a face-lift, liposuction, a chichi lift, nalga lift and a pansa
tuck. The Chica was all excited cause she knew she had a long life ahead
and wanted to look bien chingona!

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way to a taqueria, she was hit and killed By an
ambulance.

Arriving in front of Creator, she demanded, "Orale pues - Que paso? I
thought you said I had another 40 years to go? Why didn't you pull me out
of the path of that pinche ambulance?"

The Creator replied, "Orale Chica, I didn't even recognize you!"

ONLY ONE A DAY....

THINGS THAT ANNOY ME!

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know *bleep*, you frigging pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here *bleep*!

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

WHAT THE HELL!!

OH hell no!! let's get it together ladies!! damm i love mcdonalds too !! haha

Blonde Guts

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them back in."

REDNECK SWIMINGPOOL

HAHA! This is my Favorite!!

Ghetto Fool!!

haha this is soo true!!!

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them *bleep* in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird *bleep*."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Stupid Bum!!

i wish they all sais this *bleep* damn!! Be real!! haha

Road Sighn

HAHA U know who you are!!

Victoria's Secret

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,
put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it tomorrow and get a $500 refund for myself.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
His funeral is Tuesday
big head

Created on 03/22/2004 07:10 PM by vero
Updated on 08/14/2005 01:08 AM by vero